OCD is brutal, cynical, and unforgiving. While we might find consensus on some well-chosen adjectives, OCD is more akin to snowflakes — no two are identical. I discovered this reality firsthand at McLean Hospital: one resident might be engaged in an anxiety-driven two-step dance right at the entrance of the meeting room, while another could be in the middle of their fourth round of apologies. Both were examples of the ritualistic toll that OCD forces us to pay to progress in life.
How was it that our OCD could look so different, yet be the defining struggle that connects us all? This question became all the more relevant when Ralph, a fellow resident, surprised me with the comment,
“You don’t really look like you have OCD”.
Upon hearing that, I mentally reviewed my little interactions with people and the impressions I must have left. Why doesn’t it look like I have OCD? Am I smiling too much? What is having OCD even supposed to look like?
Ralph’s words hit me hard, plunging me into a pool of self-doubt. It was as if I had been unmasked as an impostor, someone who didn’t quite fit the mold of what society expected OCD to be. At that moment, I felt it creeping in, whispering doubts about the validity of my struggles.
Then, I looked back to all of the pain and suffering I had to endure at the hands of OCD. There was no way that was fake. In reality, Ralph’s comment was a reflection of the misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding mental health. OCD doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all appearance; it can manifest in countless ways, often hidden behind smiles or outward composure.
The bulk of my battles took place behind closed doors. It involved tirelessly pacing around the room searching for the right feeling to squash the current obsession. Ralph could never know just how difficult these silent battles were.
In the end, Ralph’s comment served as a reminder of the importance of breaking down stigmas and promoting understanding and acceptance of mental health struggles. We are all fighting our own battles, and it’s crucial to recognize that those battles may not always be visible on the surface.
Good Question
What better way to get to know each other than with a good question? Every Friday, I’ll include one of those questions and if you’d like, you can answer by replying to this email or by using the comment button below. Then, I’ll send you my answer. I look forward to getting to know you better!
Have you ever dealt with imposter syndrome? Was it ever related to your OCD?
Until next time
Thanks for reading this week! And remember, if you ever have any questions, or suggestions, or want to chat, you can email me or DM me on Instagram @orchardjournal.
See you,
Corey
I'm not sure why people say things like 'You dont look like you have X'. Are they just trying to reconcile their preconceived image of what X looks like to them and the way I present myself? It feels so condescending.
I've definitely struggled with feeling confident in my skills or abilities or even identities. I'm curious what people can do at the individual level to feel more confident. Also what we can do at a larger scale to understand why these feelings exist and what to do about them.